Transforming Our Communities

In my second year of field placement as a part of my master’s in social work program, I got the opportunity to work as a social work intern at an elementary school in Rochester, NY. For those of you unfamiliar with the area, the district has a lot stacked against it. With a major decrease in its student body over the past few years, trying to stay afloat amidst financial stress, and over 80% of students in the district reporting they have experienced one or more adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) in the 2021-2022 school year, there are many needs. 

What there is not much research on is the resilience, determination, and love demonstrated by faculty, students, and their families.  I have learned so much this past year and want to share with you all a story I will not forget. (And earlier in the year I had to clean poop out of a shower stall so that’s saying something! Shoutout summer camp for preparing me to strap on some rubber gloves and clean something when that is what’s needed…) 

Anyway, a 4th grader who I’ve become really close with had gotten in trouble for ripping down artwork in the hallway after getting mad at peers in gym class. This behavior is not out of the ordinary for this student. When he gets angry, which is often, he sees red and becomes volatile and aggressive. I was sitting with the student in the principal’s office and we were discussing restitution. He agreed to put the artwork back together and then go apologize to the art teacher. Despite being exceedingly young, this student is already dealing with severe trauma, and I’ve noticed that when he feels wrongfully accused of something, he is triggered and shuts down. That being said, when we went to talk with the art teacher, he could not handle it and ended up making a bigger mess. Looking back, I should have trusted his behavior more to recognize he was not ready for a restorative conversation. This is not the first time I have made this mistake, and I am sure it will not be the last. 

After knocking over boxes of glue sticks and getting his hands on anything he could destroy, he ran out of the classroom defeated, crying, cursing, and extremely pissed off. I barely had time to think before I noticed I took a risk. I put my arms around him, held him there, and “ssh’d'' him as I would my baby nephews. He collapsed into me, and he cried in my arms. We held each other there for a while.

This is the transformation we can be active participants in. What if we didn’t call security to restrain him? What if we didn’t suspend him? What if we didn’t force him to apologize before he was ready? What if instead, when we are hurting the most, we held each other and created spaces to work through complicated emotions free of shame and punishment.

There is no doubt about it, summer camp helped prepare me for this moment. To be more specific, the restorative culture at Camp Stomping Ground prepared me for this moment. A restorative culture honors the humanity in us all. When someone is at their worst at camp, the priority is not “how can we protect others from being uncomfortable?” but instead, how can we protect the person who is hurting the most and build a culture of support and understanding.

There is another possible outcome in which a kid in pain is not looking for physical comfort, and I am completely aware of that. In this moment, I could feel the regret, confusion, and despair seeping from him. No words were needed, just a moment to breathe. HE KNEW HE MESSED UP! Big time. I would argue the cruelest consequence one can receive is sitting with our own shame to recognize the impact our decisions have on others. Oftentimes when I discuss interactions like these people are quick to jump to responses like, “Well did he ever apologize?!” or “Sounds like he got away with it..” and to that, I ask you to question where you get that information from or what makes you so uncomfortable. Are you looking for a certain kind of punishment? Or are you looking for real change to occur in the way we see ourselves and others. What does justice mean  to you?

To be real, I think most of the time we rob kids of this experience. In this situation, we had a one track mind in a lot of ways: get the artwork back up, make the kid apologize, make sure he goes home with a smile so we don’t get an angry call from home. And this is the same at camp in so many ways. BUT! What we have at camp that we don’t have everywhere is intentional time. We get a whole week, maybe more or maybe less, to build trust-based relationships with kids, and prove to them they are worthy of spaces that support their autonomy, right to advocate for themselves, and a space where it’s okay to be scared, sorry, or simply admit “I don’t know why I did that.” 

There are some people who did not see eye to eye with me when it came to my reaction with this student and what happened after (us listening to music and having a snack in my office) and that’s okay. We all have a different role to play. BUT what I do know, is that immersing ourselves in restorative communities is fuckin’ worth it. We have an incredible power as leaders in the camp space to transform the way ourselves and our campers and staff think about disagreements, conflict, and wrongdoings. Restorative Justice is not a band-aid for tough situations, or a one-size-fits-all approach, rather a complete cultural paradigm shift. This won’t happen overnight, and it may not even happen in one summer. It is collaborative, and that takes time. 

Let’s talk about hugging at camp for just a second. I honestly struggle with this. On the one hand I 100% want to make sure physical interactions with kids are based in consent, and I know holding someone can be a risk for child abuse prevention and 100 other reasons. AND in this case it worked. It worked because this child and I had built an incredible amount of trust together, and not because this child did something different in the moment, but because it built a bond between us and showed that by partnering together he could get through tough situations. It showed that I cared about him and I had his back. 

I don’t know that I would encourage others to just go out and hug kids, but what I do know is that the power over mentality that most adults use with kids is broken. We need to be exploring and searching for better ways to build authentic communities with ALL kids. Restorative Justice is one part of that. I hope you will consider joining us for the Restorative Justice Conference this fall. Not because we will have the perfect answers, but because you want to explore possible alternatives together. Because at the end of the day what we are looking to do is heal harm, mitigate future harm, and build community. 

Let’s transform communities at camps and let the rest of the world follow. 

WANT MORE?

If any part of this blog was interesting to you, or you have just a bit of curiosity around restorative communities and the impact they can have, I really hope you will consider joining our restorative justice conference. We are gathering guest speakers who have an incredible amount of knowledge in this work from diverse backgrounds in terms of the spaces they have worked and helped transform. For more information, visit our website or reach out to me personally.

Okay, but want more free stuff?

Klee has a number of free restorative justice resources in our Free Stuff section.